and PAUSE… into the shadows
My post are always super raw honest and open. That’s me… so please remember when you're scrolling my page, checking my insta take it all in. Don’t rage on me I have no time for your shit. Respect is a beautiful thing.
I am a mother. I am 1 of 3 girls. I married my high school sweetheart. I have spent weeks alongside an ill child in ICU over 8-year span. I have owned a business. We have sold up our lives. I lost my dog in Feb. Grew up in regional Victoria on a farm. Lost friends to suicide. Survived covid lockdowns unvaccinated. I believe in aliens. I don’t like to drink. I was a massive piss head. I am an energy worker. We travelled Australia prior to kids.
I am a triple LEO. I am a MANI GEN.
I am not here to sugar coat the shit.
It is June already, and I am absolutely in my what the fuck has just happened era. 6 months of the year here already! Say WHAT.
The time is flying by and by god I cannot believe that we have only made it to Perth, but also totally believe it.
When we decided to leave our home. The town we grew up in as kids. Where all our family live. The only place our children have known. We really had no fucking idea where any of this madness, healing and adventure would take us.
We just both knew that something had to change, and that the biggest risk we could ever take would be worth it. Or BLOW UP. We both knew deep down that this part would by far out way anything we have ever really done before as a couple. As parents. Flying BLIND.
It has been harder than we could ever have imagined, and actually so challenging that I cannot even put it completely into words. It has broken us. It has torn us apart. It has bought up the dirty things that have been hidden for years and thrown them to the surface. It has been complicated, amazing and exhausting.
Like it or not all our pain and suffering, has been the learning we needed. What we need to let go of. What we need to change in ourselves, as adults, and as parents. But also to TRUST ourselves again. ““Find balance in your life. Work hard but don’t let work take over your life, you will lose yourself. Love, but love for the right reasons. Life is too short for anything mediocre. Know who you are and know that you are worthy of reaching your dreams and that it is never too late to start creating that life you have always dreamed of. Do not compare yourself to others, that’s just deadly. No two souls are the same. You are your own person, you are beautiful and you are unique. Put your trust in the universe. Some things are just meant to happen, and some are not. Let go of whatever is stealing your happiness, it’s hard but it is worth it. Embrace change. Embrace life. Everything happens for a reason, sometimes you just need to breathe, trust and let go.”
and PAUSE…….
The energy of this week alone has just thrown me, but also just put things in a HAULT mode. Reflecting on myself as a parent. Our journey.
PAUSE.
LOOK HOW FAR YOU HAVE COME. Like honestly look at you vs 4 years ago even a week ago. Have you grown? I know I have. Be so proud of that. Honest. Even if no one knows the changes you have put into play. Just because it isn’t documented on Facebook doesn’t mean it isn’t or didn’t happen. It also doesn’t need to be a big fucking thing to have made an impact. It could be that fuck your getting out of bed half hour earlier, or maybe you stopped smoking, or maybe you finally made that phone call for some help. One step forward is better then just sitting in the same space, with the same hallow feeling until you die.
STOP TAKING IN EVERYONES FEEDBACK. You do not need to take on and action what others from the outside tell you. My god even when we work together. If that shit is not resonating don’t fucking hold it in. Let the words go. If you find a snippet of ‘ah ha’ take that in take action but remember, (and this has been a huge reminder this week for me) no one is living your life but you. You are in it 24/7 don’t doubt your own knowing. Especially parents. Take it all with a grain of salt as my friend said this week. I know I took on some heavy words this week, which made me doubt myself hugely. Made me question my actions, but then I had another ‘ah ha’ moment this morning at 3am… As I compared what the old lady said to me, vs the judgement. The surface vs the deep. YES, sometimes we need that reality check and we get it but other times it shoots you down just when you think ‘YES I am getting some motion’
WORDS ARE SPELLS. Holy shit have you ever read the 4 agreements? Hot tip you should. I attended a women’s circle this week (fucking needed and lit me up) and this reminder came some timely… Speak your magic. Those words you speak, we speak are like magical spells intertwining with your life. “I am loved. We are worthy. We can do this. We will have peace. I am strong enough. I am so abundant in this life. I am so grateful for these experiences” Use your words wisely, even in your mind. I really like to remember this with our health too. Stored emotions play out in our body, experiences so if you need to dive into that look it up. I use the book “The Secret Language Of Your Body” by Inna Segal. That even has affirmations you can use, along with Louise Hay “You Can Heal Your Life”
LOOK AT WHAT YOU HAVE. So, taking the time to pause, sit in that and look at all that you already have. In front of you. A roof over your head. Water. Fresh air. Your health. A job. For us the adventure, and the time together. The experiences. The freedom as some may say. Appreciating the good, the bad, the ugly is all a part of life. You can not have the flowers without the rain. Life is super unpredictable, and that is alright. You can always find the joy in the little things, and moments. TRUST ME. Can you smell your morning coffee? Did you have great weekend with family? Have you just caught up with a mate? Look at those moments that make your little ticker beat like a disco ball light. You have everything, and if something is not working change it. Change it up!
YOU HAVE NOT FAILED. This is a reminder to the men especially, (as I navigate men’s mental health on my life’s journey) is just because you decide to do it different does not make you a failure. Plans change. You didn’t fail. Release that control of having to have a fucking dot point plan, with unrealistic expectations of what the end will look like. And what your family unit will look like. Watching this unfold has been challenging. It is also so hard to help someone navigate that “We have failed” sense. Which then rolls into anxiety around what comes next and not having a plan. What is the plan? The panic when the simple steps are not even being taken to help yourself. You don’t FAIL because you don’t OWN A HOUSE. You don’t FAIL because your not married. You don’t FAIL because you don’t have 9 to 5 fucking suit job. Society has created that pressure. Society and conditioning a lot from our parents plus school create this unrealistic list of what you should do or man your a fucking failure. I will never forget the “Sarah you have to pick your uni preferences” Man I want not going to fucking uni, I knew that but my teachers never wanted a bar of it. I don’t HAVE TO do anything like that to succeed in my life. You are not FAILING at anything.
WHAT IS LOVE. A very cool as balls conversation came up around this. What is love? To you? Honestly. Like sit in that pool of hot sweet cherry lava and tell me…. What is love? To me. It is realising that all the tiny pieces of shit you have stepped through in your life are love. That each arsehole moment that broke you was pure love. That being able to see, feel, and truly hear someone at their worst is love. Pure love. Accepting your people for who they are is love. LOVE is more than just “I love you to the moon and back” TRUTH I fucking loath that shallow saying… You can LOVE hard, share all the photos of you and your LOVE but is LOVE just for one person? Or is your LOVE for yourself just as hard? and those around you? LOVE is a huge hard word. To me it is not soft and pink. It is solid. It is strong. It is punch. It is an energetic magic that binds you to moments and people. LOVE is saying your sorry. LOVE is showing up when the shit is hard. LOVE is sometimes just not enough too. And that is ok… Touching on above, you didn’t FAIL.
Throwing shit into the wind……
Not having to show up all the time for socials is a big thing for me. Honestly. I love to write so maybe this blog shit is where it is at for me. I have been finding that yep I am in areas that have zero fucking service, so take that as my sign to sit still. Chill. Work with what I have or not open the socials. Cool beans. Also triple LEO here internal rage, release and move on.
Honestly, I am fucking pumped to get into some work here in the Perth area and YES it will be happening. But please if you want to chat, have an event etc etc Thing there is a place I may love here, slide into my life please! I want to connect.
Right now we are battling the chaos and challenges of children. Or learning to be a parent. A family. Parenting is a rough journey, and I get people like to draw their line in the sand with kids. I get it we are all so different. But pausing into your family unit……
Do you sit and pause sometimes in how your actions mimic your parents?
Do you reflect on your own experiences?
Do you give yourself a hard time for deciding to change what you do?
Do you look at what your doing and go shit this isnt working?
You know you can change what you do, and your views will change with each child and experience. I know mine definitely have. I never had kids in my bed, hated it I am just a let me sleep person. Our kids didn’t sleep in our bedroom, and I never got why people wanted them to either. My babies where all so loud so it did not work for me but Ferg had to sleep with us. The dynamics in the house he was by our bed in a bassinet.
But as time has gone on and the experiences change, I realize how important those moments can be to a child. Just the simple act of touch, can ripple through them. I dont want to be on top of each other
Ferg loves to lay with you and fall asleep. He is the touchy, cuddly one. He always slept on you, is always complimenting you.
Winnie get’s triggered, which I get after all her ICU adventures. Her contact comes slowly, and rarely but fuck we embrace it when it does. Touch is not for her. Touch holds sad memories. I also think back to her birth, my placenta was stuck and as they pushed her onto me I screamed in pain “Get her off me” pushing her away. Mmmm the birth story!
Olive is distant but becoming more of hold my hand come for a cuddle randomly. She was never super cuddly, but she always hugging me at the wrong time. Is there a wrong time? It seems wrong because it is usually when I am in a serious conversation with another adult, and I am like “Girllll not now” But also like fuck that makes sense. She FEELS everything. Being the eldest too. Hello people pleaser, silent one, mothering when she shouldn’t be!
Ferris, hug your kids more and let them hug you! You are safe. You are loved.
“It’s easy to look back and question decisions you have made in the past, but it’s unfair to punish yourself for them. You can’t blame yourself for not knowing back then what you know now, and the truth is you made each decision for a reason based on how you were feeling at the time. As we grow up, we learn and we evolve. Maybe the person you are now would have done things differently back then, or maybe you are the person you are now because of the decisions you made back then.”
I know for myself as I have navigated this last 12 years, the kids on me and touching me has actually heightened me most times. Dead set anxiety. I have been pushing them and my husband away. On many occasions. I am not even sure at what point hugs became uncomfortable for us all? or especially me.
I know being in hospital with Win, as she rejected me that was hard to move around. Your daughter in a life-or-death situation and she doesn’t want you to touch her. Those days hurt my heart. Alot.
Even still now. When you hug her and she tenses up and screams. It can be difficult. It is another story..
Very much in that masculine energy through the dark days, many moons ago now so letting my guard down and becoming more aware of that is useful! Right now. Reminding myself every day. Acknowledging that FUCK GIRL you have been doing it ALL. ALL OF IT. But you don't have to anymore. Stop it. I have always been an independent person absolutely, and just get it done person. Don’t fanny fart around, just fucking do it. I feel like I have never had much of a choice but to be present. Do it myself. Be ON. Especially once kids hit the scene. The fark is this! Don’t rely on others. Because also I have been so let down by others who make promises. That is by my husband too, who has always been too busy at work, and now is just like the walking dead with no head and no idea what to do. 
As a unit we really need to work our shit out, and how to live as a family after the shit show. We are all walking blind here, so fucking yeeeee ha strap in kids.
In saying that I am really being a dick around that shit too, not following through myself. Keeping my promises to the kids! Sarah, hello fucking follow through. Don’t let them feel how you feel. Show up for them!REFLECTION - ACKNOWLDGE - REDIRECT
Once I became aware of how distant I was becoming, and even now controlling I have had to really step back. JJ reminded me “Ferris the kids are old enough now you have done it all. They can help.” Egh right in the dick with that one. I have been so caught up, in that wheel for so long I actually struggle to get off. How fucking insane is that! Overcompensating for everyone. Trying to make up for lost time I cant replace, and that feeling of failing my kids by the choices I had to make in the moments. I have not FAILED. I am working hard on that, giving the space and respect for my kids to be so much more active in our daily rolls. That they can do their shit, and that no matter what I am here. I am also the parent who doesnt want to be a sargent and I am adjusting that into the life. Children see and tehy do. The younger once are much more responsive when you engage in the activity too. Teaching my husband that one has been a shit show. I am making space for hugs touch and letting them regulate me too. I am also giving what I wish to be receiving. I remember reading that somewhere. That timely reminder! If I want hugs, I need to give them. Also I don't want my kids to not hug. 
1st time parents with no fucking clue what the years ahead hold!
FLASH BACK TO MY OWN CHILDHOOD:
One of my fondness memories as a child was always sneaking into Nanna Winnies bed early morning for a snuggle. She never said don't get in here. Never complained. Just let me wrap my little self up into her. Deep in her hugs. 
Parenting is a hot mess. So when you pack it into a confined space, yes it gets even hotter.
Our hardest fish to fry Win spent the majority of yesterday screaming at me. Attacking me. Crying. Outburst that take place in public as she follows me, screaming “Mum” grabbing me. Kicking things. Like a broken record on repeat. She has a good “Tantrum” as some would say, or as the old lady in Kalgoorlie said “She can’t come down from that it isn’t a tantrum I see what has happened” The difference in what people see who have lived experiences vs what people see who have a 5 second insight. Astounding. Those days with Win which is most days, are hard. Overwhelming. They are actually so fucking horrible for our whole family unit, as the other 2 miss out on joy. Pure joy is swallowed as their sister rolls into another episode around a slide. or shoes. or a meal. Simple small things. 6 months in a caravan has shown us that Win is very unhinged. More than I actually knew. I hope that even makes sense. She is so unregulated. Traumatised. Confused. Angry. We knew that. We knew it was bad. But this has been insane. It is heartbreaking to see a child in this state of confusion. Pure confusion at times. Black out rage. Pure hate. To utter heartbreaking sadness and sorrow in her eyes. Can you even begin to imagine what it feels like on the inside for her? The shame, fear and embarrassment she holds. Not to mention how much of a piece of shit I feel like when I have to navigate some of these sessions. I had to lift her up and carry her out of one place recently has she spiralled. While the old lady watched from a window, I am sure deciding if she should call the police or not.
When you are told your child has signs of hypoxia brain damage, PTSD and so on you wait for the help, you chat with the Drs you try to get the plan in place. You get excited by the suggestions. That actually lead to false hope… But with regional life came wait list. Came no local help. Came people leaving regularly for better. Came judgement. Came push back. Came disappointment. Came loss of trust. Came gossip. Came bullying. Came the merry go round. I honestly thought there would be more support but when you chat and question “What do we do” No one has the answers, and honestly this is about US trusting in OURSELVES. Really.
We have a chance to start over now.
HOT TIP YOU CAN START AGAIN.
Appointments start this week for all the things. I have hunted them down. Called people. Chatted. Perth was my point for right 3 to 6 months to get this shit swept up and somewhat have an understanding as to what the hell is happening.
Like I said things change. Each experience is different. You haven’t FAILED. Love is working through the worst things and loving that person even in their hardest moments.
I have just sat in all this for a few hours and hello my blog post.
My parenting feels. My parenting struggles. My parenting real life adventures. My truth.
I am honestly a woman on the ride of a lifetime. Yep, I love to work with others and all things energy, and yes, I am 100% still here working on myself through it all. I am a total shit show in all her glory. Funky earrings, sweary mouth and hard-hitting life love lessons.
Right now, our journey is sitting here in Perth. Seeking the right help. The right areas. The support we have craved. The support we have needed. OT to brain therapy. And honestly if you know something that may help, please reach out. We share our story so we can find what may work for us. We have been running blind for far too long!
So pause in your journey. Pause in your morning and just sit in the energy of how you are feeling.
PAUSE.
it is completely ok to hit pause.
x Ferris x 